The Sporting Life

WHERE: Rugby Beach Club Grille, 950 West Broadway, Vancouver PAYMENT/RESERVATIONS: Major credit cards, 736-2438 DRINKS: Fully licensed. HOURS: Mon-Sat, 4:24pm-midnight, Sun, 4:24pm-11pm. THE BOTTOM LINE: Everything for under ten bucks in a place that looks like Hugh Hefner took over a fishing lodge. Rating: Food: **1/2 Service: *** The words rugby and beach don't bring out the best in me. Combined, they're scarier than the crop circles I found in our shag carpeting. Now, they say the clothes make the man and that's why I avoid the beach. Anyplace I have to take off my clothes, I instantly lose my manliness. But I once owned a rugby shirt that produced the opposite effect, making all 135 pounds of me actually appear menacing. It had a snarling bulldog crest from the Canterbury Bulldogs of the Australian Rugby League on the chest and it was this shirt that once saved my life. It all started when Peaches and I lived next to a stream of young couples getting to know each other. A Swedish-cracker thin wall separated abutting apartment bedrooms. The first couple were loud enough with their rutting protocol, but the couple after that could,ve drowned out the Indy. Non-stop surround-sound sex that was downright bestial. Sounded like a cross between screaming banshees and a tractor pull. When they say "love thy neighbour," I don,t think this is what was meant. They went for hours at a stretch and at first it was intriguing, especially when we had company and used them as dinner music instead of Frank Sinatra, but eventually we were driven to the brink of insanity. Not to mention the beer in my glass was shaking and plaster started flaking from the pounding our wall was taking. To cap off the festivities, they liked to play bass-heavy dance music to lend rhythm to their efforts. Early one morning they sparked up the stereo full volume and we knew what was coming. Peaches banged on the wall for some quiet and the guy yelled back something nasty. That did it. I'd had enough. Half-asleep, blind as a bat without glasses, hair sticking up, I grabbed the a shirt and I put my hand on and it turned out to be the rugby shirt with the snarling bulldog on it. Marched into the hall and began banging on their door, staring with nearsighted menace into the peephole. Thought I saw a shadow pass briefly in the fisheye, then the music stopped but I kept banging. No answer, luckily, since the guy stood over six feet tall and could,ve pounded me into burger meat. I had no clue what I,d say if he actually opened the door. To this day, I think he saw the bulldog rugby shirt and decided I might be a maniac. I thank my lucky stars. My one brush with the sport and the motivating factor for getting me through the door of this joint. A chance to relive my one shining moment in rugby shirt armour with Peaches by my side. Figured the beach part was just false advertising since everyone seemed to be clothed and the only ocean in the vicinity was built of parking lots. Still, the place exudes an overall sporting touch, with luxurious semi-circle booth seating on the second level, dark wood interior with a little faux-flagstone finishing, a huge sculling boat hanging from the ceiling plus garage sale paintings of the great outdoors and folky carved bird sculptures for a cabin-in-a-stripmall appeal. Plus a huge bar zone and patio for mingling. To keep those buff crowds in prime shape, the menu breaks down side items into carbs and veggies. I know most vegetables when I see,em but I wouldn't know a carb if you smacked me in the head with a potato. Meat is sectioned into different ounce servings so you can measure your intake. Wondered if I should be walking on a treadmill while I ate. Started with an appetizer of Smoky Grilled Duck ($5.95), a spring roll type construction, with sprouts and carrot wrapped in crispy rice paper. Came with sweet chili dipping sauce and was quite tasty and grease rolled off them like water off a duck,s back. There's also a nice Spicy Calamari ($5.95) with red pepper, chili and cilantro lime, Dry Ribs ($5.50) massaged with Cajun spices and the intimidating 12 Vegetable Salad ($5.50) for the roughage freaks. On to the à la carte grilled meat categories. Choose from the barnyard or ocean, each meat offered with a variety of different seasonings and sauces. I opted for Lamb Tenderloin ($7.50) with a Dijon, garlic and rosemary rub crusting its surface. Turned out to be very delicious, the tenderloin pieces cooked with a perfect pink centre, though the encrustation was a bit overpowering. Peaches sampled the Wild Salmon Fillet ($6.95) with lemon and garlic. Carb-loaded some Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes ($2.95) with Grilled Asparagus in a balsamic drizzle ($5.75) for a veggie. Salmon was simply presented, which is all this fish needs, and very tasty but a touch overdone. A hefty portion though for the price and the mashed potatoes were whipped delight. Asparagus was crisp and had a heady balsamic rush. Other listings include chicken breast with cumin, ginger and chili, a variety of steaks, from ribeye to Angus sirloin with a dazzling array of seasonings and priced between $5.95 to $7.50, or a savoury pork chop honey garlic BBQ style ($6.95). Other carb and veggie options include wok-stirred seasonal veggies Maui style ($3.95) or Indian Spiced Potato Cakes with Masala Curry ($3.95). Nicely priced wine picks by bottle or glass and a boatload of beer options to satisfy a rugby league. As well as martinis, daquiris and other swinging drinks. In the end the place impresses with fresh ingredients and flavourful pairings used imaginatively without walking the plank of taste. And though I wasn't wearing my rugby shirt, when my credit card worked, I felt like a man again.